Life inevitably brings difficult seasons. At some point, we all experience moments when circumstances feel overwhelming—receiving painful news, navigating relationship struggles, facing a significant illness or uncertainty, grieving a loss, or carrying worries about the future.
Emotional pain is part of being human. We cannot always choose what happens to us, but we can learn healthier ways to respond when life feels unbearable.
Many of us have experienced moments when emotions seem to take over. Our thoughts race, our bodies become tense, and we feel an urgent need to escape the discomfort. In these moments, we may react in ways that bring temporary relief but create more suffering over time.
This is where distress tolerance skills, developed through Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), can help. These skills teach us how to stay present during emotional storms, care for ourselves with compassion, and respond wisely rather than react impulsively.
Before we explore practical coping strategies, it is important to understand what distress is, why we may struggle with it, and how acceptance and change work together to help us cope.
What Is Distress?
Distress is the emotional, psychological, and physical discomfort we experience when something overwhelms or triggers us.
When we encounter a perceived threatening or painful situation, our nervous system can move into survival mode. This is our body’s natural protective response, and it can happen very quickly. We may experience:
- A strong urge to escape, avoid, numb, shut down, or flee
- Explosive reactivity such as yelling, raging or self-harming.
- Intense emotions such as fear, sadness, embarrassment or shame
- Tight muscles, a sick tummy or physical tension
- Changes in breathing
- Difficulty thinking clearly, racing thoughts or rumination
These responses are not signs of weakness. They are part of the ways our brains and bodies have learned to cope and protect us.
However, while our survival responses are designed to keep us safe, they are not always helpful when dealing with emotional pain – sometimes we actually aren’t in any danger. Sometimes our attempts to cope with distress are very reactive and end up creating additional problems.
What Makes Emotional Distress Feel Worse?
When big emotions show up, and we feel overwhelmed, our natural instinct is to seek relief. This makes sense—pain is uncomfortable, and we want it to stop.
Some common (and mostly unhelpful) ways people try to reduce distress include:
- Avoiding difficult conversations
- Withdrawing and isolating from others
- Overworking or over-exercising to escape emotions
- Spending excessive time scrolling on social media
- Emotional eating
- Self-harming behaviours
- Using alcohol/substances to numb feelings
- Reacting impulsively in rage, anger or frustration
While these behaviours may seem to provide short-term relief, they often increase suffering over time. They can hurt our relationships, our bodies, our confidence, and our ability to face future challenges.
Distress tolerance does not teach us to ignore pain or pretend everything is okay. Instead, it teaches us that we can experience difficult emotions without allowing those emotions to control our actions.
Sometimes the most healing thing we can do is learn to sit with discomfort, knowing that emotions rise and fall like waves.
What Is Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT)?
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) was developed by psychologist Dr Marsha Linehan and was originally designed to help people experiencing intense emotions and difficulty managing overwhelming distress.
DBT combines acceptance-based approaches with practical skills for creating positive change. It teaches that emotional suffering often increases when we fight against reality, judge ourselves harshly, or react impulsively.
DBT focuses on several key areas, including:
- Mindfulness
- Emotional regulation
- Distress tolerance
- Building healthy relationships
One of the most powerful ideas in DBT is the dialectical concept.
The Dialectic: Acceptance and Change
The word dialectic means balancing two ideas that may appear to contradict each other, while recognising that both can be true.
In DBT, this balance is found between acceptance and change.
On one hand, we practise accepting ourselves and our current circumstances as they are in this moment.
On the other hand, we recognise that there may be thoughts, behaviours, or patterns in our lives that need to change because they contribute to ongoing suffering.
These two ideas work together.
Acceptance does not mean approving of everything that has happened. It does not mean giving up, becoming passive, or saying that pain does not matter.
Acceptance simply means acknowledging reality as it is, in the moment, rather than exhausting ourselves by constantly fighting against what cannot be changed.
When we stop using all our energy resisting reality, we create space to respond with wisdom, courage, and compassion.
What is Radical Acceptance?: Letting Go of the Fight Against Reality
A key DBT concept is radical acceptance.
Radical acceptance means fully acknowledging the reality of a situation, ourselves, and our emotions without adding unnecessary suffering through judgment, denial, or resistance.
For example, we might think:
“This should not be happening.”
“I cannot cope with this.”
“My life should look different.”
These thoughts are understandable, but when we become trapped in fighting reality, our suffering often increases.
Radical acceptance allows us to say:
“This is painful, but this is what I am facing right now.”
“I may not have chosen this situation, but I can choose how I respond.”
“I can bring this pain to God and ask for strength for today.”
For Christians, radical acceptance does not mean accepting life without hope. Rather, it means trusting that our God is good, present and ready to comfort us in any and all circumstances.
The Serenity Prayer: Acceptance and Change in Action
One of the clearest examples of this balance is found in the Serenity Prayer:
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.”
This prayer beautifully reflects the heart of DBT.
Some things in life are outside our control and require acceptance.
Other things require our responses, behaviours, and beliefs to change.
Wisdom flows in the discerning.
When we practise this balance, we stop wasting energy trying to control what cannot be controlled, while also recognising where we can make meaningful choices that align with our values. We can also learn to practice new and more supportive behaviours when managing any distress.
Three Foundational Distress Tolerance Skills
Before we explore more advanced distress tolerance strategies in Part 2, here are three simple skills you can begin practising.
- Relax First, Then Distract Your Mind
When distress is intense, our thoughts can become stuck in repetitive loops. We may replay conversations, imagine worst-case scenarios, or become overwhelmed by questions we cannot answer.
Sometimes our emotions are so strong that we cannot access helpful thinking. In these moments, the first step is not to analyse the situation—it is to help your body settle.
Step 1: Calm your body
Take a few slow breaths.
Breathe in gently.
Slowly breathe out.
Repeat several times.
Longer exhales signal your nervous system that you are safe, helping your body move out of a heightened stress response.
Step 2: Redirect your attention
Once you have created a little space, gently shift your focus toward something calming or grounding.
You might:
- Recall a favourite holiday, meaningful memory, or joyful moment.
- Look outside and intentionally observe nature.
- Watch birds, clouds, trees, or rainfall.
- Listen to calming music.
- Read an encouraging book.
- Complete a simple household task.
- Take a walk and notice what you see around you.
Distraction is not the same as avoidance. Avoidance is refusing to face something important. Distraction is giving yourself a temporary pause so your emotions settle and you can return to the situation with greater clarity.
Sometimes wisdom comes after we have allowed ourselves time to breathe.
- Encouraging Coping Thoughts
During distress, our thinking can become negative, fearful, or catastrophic. Preparing compassionate reminders ahead of time can help anchor us in truth.
Examples include:
- “This too shall pass.”
- “I can feel anxious and still handle this situation.”
- “I have survived painful times before, and I will survive this too.”
- “I only need to take one step at a time.”
- “God is with me, strengthens me, and goes before me.”
- “I do not have to solve everything today.”
Write these thoughts somewhere accessible so you can return to them when emotions feel overwhelming.
- Progressive Muscle Relaxation
Emotional distress creates physical tension in our bodies that we often don’t notice. Progressive Muscle Relaxation helps release this tension by intentionally tightening and relaxing different muscle groups.
Find a comfortable place to sit or lie down.
Beginning with your feet, gently tense the muscles, hold for a few seconds, then release. Repeat and slowly move upwards through your body:
- Feet and legs
- Abdomen
- Hands and arms
- Shoulders
- Neck
- Face
Upon release of each area, allow yourself to soften and let go of the tension and tightness you have been holding. Visualise the tension melting away.
This practice helps you to notice where your body is holding tension and bracing. It reminds you that you have a lot of control and ability to relax your muscles and guide your nervous system towards a calmer state.
How To Move Forward With Hope
Learning distress tolerance means developing the ability to experience difficult emotions while still choosing responses that reflect your values, faith, and wisdom.
Emotional storms are a part of life, but they do not have to control the direction of our lives.
Through understanding distress, practising acceptance, and learning new skills, we can become more resilient. We can learn to weather difficult moments with greater compassion toward ourselves and deeper trust in God’s presence.
In Part 2: Practical Distress Tolerance Skills for Difficult Days, we will explore more strategies you can use when emotions feel intense—including grounding exercises, safe place visualisation, self-affirmations, body-based calming skills, creative expression, and a Christian mindfulness exercise for bringing your burdens to Jesus.
You do not have to face emotional storms alone. There is hope, support, and a pathway forward.
From my heart to yours…❤️