November has a way of filling our calendars. Invitations arrive, family gatherings are planned, holidays are organised, and suddenly our carefully protected space has disappeared beneath a long list of commitments.
For some people, saying “no” feels agonisingly difficult.
A simple invitation can trigger an internal struggle: Will they be disappointed? Will they think I’m selfish? What if they don’t like me anymore? Before we know it, we have agreed to something we don’t really want to do.
Learning the art of saying “No” can be an important step towards greater self-awareness, inner healing and healthier relationships… all of which can protect us against burnout, resentment and internal mutiny.
Schema therapy provides us with a useful way to understand how saying No can be so difficult for some of us. Let’s consider the domain of Other-Directedness, sometimes described as Conditional Connectedness. This unconscious schema category is responsible for a pattern of relentlessly placing others’ needs, expectations, or opinions ahead of our own needs and authentic feelings. Three schemas belong in this domain: subjugation, self-sacrifice and approval-seeking.
With subjugation, we may hand over our preferences and give up control to others, allowing them to make decisions because we believe we are weak and others are stronger. We might say things like “Whatever works for you,” without stopping to ask ourselves what actually works for us or what God is actually calling us to step into.
With self-sacrifice, we may continually put other people’s needs first. We become the person who hosts, organises, drives, accommodates and makes sure everyone else is comfortable — while our own wellbeing quietly moves to the bottom of the list. We believe that the needs of others are more important and must be fulfilled at all costs, to the long-term detriment of one’s own health or well-being.
Then there is approval-seeking. Here, saying yes can become a way of securing acceptance. We may agree to plans because we want to be liked, included or thought of positively. It is the act of excessively trying to achieve the approval, praise, or attention of others or trying to fit in at the cost of developing one’s own true feelings or identity. We have no secure sense of self, of our value to God or our God-given place in the world.
From a Christian counselling perspective, this is an area worth exploring carefully. Saying no is not necessarily unkind, selfish or unloving. Healthy boundaries can actually create more honest and sustainable relationships. Jesus Himself demonstrated that love and compassion do not require us to meet every demand placed upon us.
The summer No is not about becoming unavailable or putting ourselves above everyone else. It is about learning to pause before automatically saying yes.
Try asking yourself:
Do I genuinely want to do this? What is the cost of saying Yes to this? DO I have the time, resources and capacity or will this cost me/my family too much?
Am I saying yes because I want to and/or sense God’s leading, or because I fear disappointing someone?
What would I choose if I weren’t worried about someone else’s approval or afraid of God’s disapproval?
A respectful “no” can be an act of honesty, wisdom and healthy self-care.
This coming summer, perhaps the goal isn’t to say no more often. Perhaps it is to make sure that when you say yes, it is a genuine yes — intentional and freely chosen, aligned with your values, with God, and with your capacity, rather than driven by fear, guilt, or the need to please reactively.