Have you lost someone close to you? “Your Main Person”, a special friend, child or fur baby? Are you still feeling the shock and bewilderment of it all? Perhaps the dust has settled, weeks or months have passed (or perhaps even years), and you are left wondering how to go on – how to rebuild your life. You feel devastated, disoriented, broken and like you are sitting amidst the ashes of what was once your life.
Grief hurts. It is a profound and universal human experience, and as a counsellor, I’ve walked alongside so many who are grieving—some mourning the loss of their loved one, others grieving a shattered dream, a broken relationship, or a life that didn’t turn out as expected.
💔 What is Grief? How do I make sense of this?
There are many different types of loss, and grief is the normal and natural reaction to any kind of loss. We will all grieve at some point, and yet our experiences are deeply personal and as unique as our fingerprints.
Grief is a complex tapestry of many emotions that can often feel conflicting: sorrow, anger, fear, confusion, guilt, yearning – sometimes even relief, gratitude and love. It can feel like a “tangled ball of emotions” on the inside.
As grief impacts our body, soul, and spirit, we sometimes cry uncontrollably, experience anxiety or panic attacks; other times, we feel numb, confused or have trouble with our memory. We can feel sick in our stomachs, experience chest pains, or struggle with trouble sleeping or eating. Sometimes we question God and shake our fists at Him, sometimes we cling to Him more tightly than ever. All of these responses are very common and very normal – you are not going crazy, losing it or a bad “Christian” if you can’t hold it all together.
🕊️ Where is God in My Grief?
In Psalm 34:18, we are assured: “The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
We are not promised an easy life free of pain or suffering. But we are promised Presence. His Presence. Christianity does not deny the pain of loss, and God does not abandon us in our grief. He draws near, declaring: “Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you” (Deuteronomy 31:6 & Hebrews 13:5).
With deep compassion and emotion, Jesus Himself wept at the tomb of Lazarus (John 11:35). Curiously, He knew that He would raise him from the dead, yet He still wept. That moment, recorded in history, reveals something profound: grief is not a sign of weakness, nor is it a lack of faith.
It is love in its most vulnerable form.
Paul writes in 1 Thessalonians 4:13, “We do not grieve as those who have no hope.” Clearly, this says we do grieve, and it means our grief can be infused with the hope of resurrection, reunion, and restoration. This hope doesn’t erase the pain, but it gives it context, and that can offer comfort. It reminds us that death is not the end – it does not have the final say. Whether it is the promise of reunion or of restoration for broken dreams, or of our God tenderly wiping away our every tear (Revelation 21:4), our hope is in Jesus Christ as “an anchor for our souls” (Hebrews 6:19).
Sometimes, we can lose touch with our hope. That is understandable as grief changes everything.
It can crack open the foundations of what you thought you knew about love, safety, faith and even time itself. You might find yourself questioning everything. This is ok. Don’t be afraid, be curious and trust that God will lead you as your understanding evolves through the uncertainty.
“…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6)
🧭 What Can I expect from Grief?
Grief is not linear. It doesn’t follow a predictable path. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross famously outlined five “stages” —denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—however, her work has been misquoted and taken out of context. In reality, people experience all of these “stages” in different orders, often revisiting and reworking them multiple times.
Grief is actually quite a messy business.
How Can I Grieve Well?
- Give yourself permission to grieve. There’s no “right” way to mourn. Suppressing your feelings with busyness, distractions, alcohol, shopping, food, Netflix binging, etc, can, over time, make you emotionally, psychologically, physically and spiritually unwell. It will take you from hurting to a more brutal experience of suffering. Your pain is valid. Your loss is valid. Don’t add to your pain by pushing your feelings away.
- Don’t put a time limit on your grief. Judging your grief will only make you feel worse – and aren’t you hurting enough already? Time alone does not bring relief or a sense of healing; it’s time AND what you do and how you process your loss that makes the difference. Significant loss changes and shapes you. You won’t go back to normal ~ you will find a new normal.
- Don’t compare your loss. Comparing your loss to another’s and concluding that they have it worse than you, so you shouldn’t be so sad, or you have it worse than them, so they don’t have the same rights as you, will only make things harder on everyone. Your loss is yours ~ 100% valid.
- Lean into community. We aren’t meant to carry our burdens alone. Isolation complicates sorrow. However, many grievers do end up isolating themselves because not everyone knows what to say or how to be with them. Careless platitudes like “God needed another angel” and “Everything happens for a reason” are often well-intentioned but can be extremely hurtful and dismissive. Look for safe people, communities, and groups to connect with.
And forgive those who hurt you with their words; they usually don’t mean any harm.
- Talk to God—even if it’s messy. God can handle your anger, your questions, your silence and your tears. The Psalms are full of raw, honest lamentations. And remember: He keeps track of all your sorrows and collects all of your tears in your bottle; recording each one in your book (Psalm 56:8)
- Seek professional support. Sometimes grief becomes complicated, especially after traumatic and “out of order” losses like the death of a child or a suicide. Counselling can provide a safe and supportive space and guidance to help you unpack, process and sort through the disorientation and pain.
🌱 What Does It Mean to Grieve Well?
Grieving well is not about “getting over it.” It’s about learning to live with your loss in a way that honours what and who is important to you. It is about finding your “new normal” and becoming open to life again in all of its fullness beyond your loss. Some days will feel unbearable. Others will surprise you with joy, a smile, or laughter.
Here are a few gentle practices that can support healing:
Create meaningful rituals of remembrance:
- Light A Candle,
- Write A Letter,
- Create A Memorial Garden or Plant A Tree,
- Have A Special Piece of Jewellery Engraved that you can wear
- Create A Memory Box and place special items in it
- Write poetry, music or keep a journal
- Create art
- Create a photographic tribute
These types of acts help integrate your loss into your life story and, most importantly, they help you to find an enduring connection with your Loved One if there has been a death of a person.
Pace Yourself . Grief is exhausting. Mourning is hard work. You will need more rest at times. Even if you can’t sleep, still rest. Nourish and hydrate your body. If you can’t eat much, choose options like an egg, a small piece of chicken, or perhaps a warm broth or soup. If you are eating too much, just notice what you are doing – notice that you are trying to distract or comfort yourself – and be kind to yourself.
Don’t Judge Yourself; you will have some good days and some bad days. Accept yourself, accept your experiences and meet yourself with compassion. What would you say to a good friend at this time? What would you do for them? What do you think they might need or what might help just in the moment? Ask these questions and then give these answers to yourself.
💬 Final Thoughts ~ If you are grieving today, know this:
- You are not alone.
- Your pain is valid and matters.
- Your questions and lamentations are welcome with God
- God is not mad at you or punishing you, now will He abandon you
- Yes, you will find your way and your new normal.
- You will eventually be able to remember with more love than pain.
- It is ok to not be ok at times.
You may need some help and support along the way & that is OK.
As a Christian counsellor, my prayer is that you would have deep encounters with the God who weeps with you, tenderly records your tears, walks beside you, carries you, comforts you, and whispers hope into your broken heart.
May you find comfort in His presence, strength in His promises, and peace that surpasses all understanding.
May you discover that grief, though it changes you, does not define you.
You are……
His Beloved. You are held. You are never beyond the reach of His Grace.
If you would like to reach out for support or make an appointment, please contact me here.